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THE BAD COMEDIANS

The Noble art of Comedy?

The Bad Comedians

Reflecting upon many a bad comedian over the years. I'd like to propose a toast to some of the very worst. Who better to begin with than this man?

Charlie Drake!!



"Hello my darlings" rang out the familiar catchphrase from the diminutive 'comic', but can anybody tell me what was remotely funny about this man? Very much in the 'I look a bit peculiar so laugh at me' mould, Charlie was a popular star of sixties TV. Unfortunately his goblinesque appearance offered his career little longevity.

I heard a great story about Charlie Drake from a friend, Ali.
"He was doing his end of the pier summer show at one of the seaside resorts in England, and he got chatting to a pretty young chorus girl, telling her that he'd noticed her, and that she had star potential, and that with a word in the right ear, he could make her a star,as he had all the contacts. The girl thanked him very much and said she was very flattered. To this, Mr Drake said "now, what would you say to a little f***?". The girl summoned up all her dignity and said "goodbye, little f***!" Classic!"

Oh how we laughed.

===============

Another instant admission to the Bad Comedians Hall of Infamy...

Roy Hudd!!



Just take a look at the great foaming gnashers - feel like laughing? I thought not. Roy has seemed to have been around forever and is a regular laugh-a-decade man. I initially set eyes upon this man as a kid watching his regular weekly show which as a normal five-year old I felt a bit insulting to the intelligence and a bit simplistic. In one 'sketch' I recall Roy dressed up in Lincoln Green to depict the outlaw 'Robin Hudd' and so it seems he has been robbing the Beano book of gags to give to poor us ever since. His riotous play on words using his surname still stands as he inflicts the more recent examples of his 'art' through "The Huddlines" radio program.

Gag for Roy please - make it nice and tight.

Oh how we laughed.

=================

Okay, I'm on a roll now. Anyone prepared to confess a liking for this guy?


Arthur Askey!!



"Buzz buzz, buzz buzz, buzzy bee, buzzy bee" sang the little maestro in his infamous trademark ditty accompanied by his little 'amusing' jig. How entertained by himself Arthur would appear, sadly not reciprocated by many of his audiences. Oh how I would love to have seen the little twat appearing at the Glasgow Empire - how DID he live so long anyway? That must remain a mystery.

In his early days Arther could be heard on the 'wireless' with his erstwhile pals Ben Warris and 'Stinker' Murdoch I'm led to believe. Sadly the only thing that stunk were Arthur's gags. Only to be compared with his jokes were his matchless catchphrases such as "Ayethenkew", "Hello playmate" and "Right before your very eyes".

Stop it Arthur - I'm crying.

Oh how we laughed.

===================

BILLY DAINTY



What more can be said about this man? One word really. Shite.

===============

The next inductee.

Norman Vaughan!!



Pictured above, Norman is the one with the weird-shaped mouth (without the ventriloquists hand up his *rse.)

How this sub Tommy Trinder 'comic' ever had such a career I'll never know. Perhaps he found his true vocation in those 'Roses grow on you' TV advertisements which have somehow managed to elude the clutches of Chris Tarrant.

I can picture him now, out of his depth comparing 'The Palladium', acting his head off like some second rate Bruce Forsyth with his clever catchphrases of "Swinging" and "Dodgy' He was chosen to take over the game show, 'The Golden Shot due to his ability in being the only man alive who could make Charlie Williams seem funny.

Kindly stick your Roses up your hole Norman.

Oh how we laughed.

=================

JIMMY CRICKET!!



"There's more..."

Thankfully, not for some time Jimmy...

=============

I truly can't see many people dissenting with this choice.

Peter Glaze!!



The Crackerjack (altogether now - Crackerjack!) 'star' made a gloriously berift of humour duo with partner in crime Leslie Crowther, a man himself who was well know in Nottingham for...er...coming from Nottingham and...er liking cricket a bit.

Peter would always be the one who received the well aimed jet from a soda fountain in his coupon whilst acting his little head off. Mercifully he never appeared to progress to anything else apart from act as Leslie's and later Don McLean's (imagine that?) stooge.

The picture above demonstrates ably how 'funny' Peter was, note the hilarious hand expression and 'endearing' grin of this particular jolly japester.

My sides are still hurting.

Oh how we laughed.

====================

Rod Hull!!



How unfortunate for him that the bird was a flightless one when he fell off that roof.

================

JIM BOWEN!!



Bullseye!

Bullsh*t more like, Jim.

==================

Two numbskulls for the price of one this time, it's:

Mike and Bernie Winters!!



Two idiots for the price of one, this pair were the only known comedy double act to feature two straight men. Let's just say that when Bernie branched out with a new partner Shnorbitz the dog, the hound was funnier.

Forever in the shadow of comedy giants Morcambe and Wise, the brothers split many times, and I don't mean our sides. Whilst Mike was meant to be the 'smart, sophisticated' one, Bernie played the grinning oaf perfectly...only he wasn't playing...

These guys made Cannon and Ball look like comedy genius's.

Another word from Ali on the gruesome twosome.
The story goes that this pair were appearing at the Pavilion in Glasgow, a notoriously tough crowd, and Mike Winters came on stage and did a few minutes before his hopelessly unfunny stage foil followed him on. As soon as the other one hit the stage, some wag in the audience shouted "aw f***! There's two o' the c***s!"

Oh how we laughed.

===================

An entirely personal one now that some may indeed not agree with.

Lennie Henry!!



Subtlety is not this man's strong suit. When in times of lack of favourable audience response (i.e. often) he can be observed getting louder and more animated whilst resorting to leanings from his ex TISWAS-esque characters from decades ago and sub-'Desmond' rants.

I'm sure Lenny is a very nice guy and we know that he does his bit for charidee
which is truely admirable, I mean, marrying Dawn French, who else would have done that? but for Christ's sakes Lenny just go away will ya?

A big custard pie in the face for this useless twat.

Oh how we laughed.

======================

"The Master of stand-up comedy"

"Lennie Bennett is one of television's most prolific performers and is generally regarded as the ultimate professional. Indeed, few entertainers can equal his record of having had at least one series of his own show televised every year for the last 16 years."

So runs the publicity blurb for former 'Lucky Ladders' host...

Lennie Bennett!!



Talent with a capital 'S' for shite, this man's wit knew no beginning. After stumbling onto our TV screens with his equally vapid stand-up partner Jerry Stevens he 'progressed' into the role of that most unloved of celebrity types - the game show host. Lennie was at his finest when handing out the 'prizes' on Lucky Ladders. This seemed to consist of a small ladder painted gold which stood on a piece of styrofoam. Apparently these works of art had to be handed back by the contestents after the show as they only had seven made.

Lennies early days on TV also took in that spiritual home of the the Bad Comedian - 'The Comedians', where he was know as something of a giggler. At least one person was amused Lennie...

Oh how we laughed.

===============

Now here's a face you'd never tire of punching.

Timmy Mallett!!



Yes I know he's for kids but he has actually been well adopted by some grown-ups - well students anyway. This man's trademark catchphrases make the utterings of Bruce Forsyth look like the witticisms of Oscar Wilde on a good day. "Utterly brilliant" and "bleugh" were two of his most inspired moments, it actually all goes downhill from there believe it or not.

In searching for the pen pictures for most of the above comedians it has been considered suitable for the purposes of this thread to show the protagonist at their most ridiculous. Searching for Timmie's, well it was difficult to find one that made him look half-way intelligent, nay sane.

I know what I'd like to do with that ****ing mallet, sideways.

More from Ali:
"Waking up on a Saturday morning in my 20s with a beasting hangover was made a million times worse if my nieces were staying if I went downstairs while the Wide Awake Club was on TV. Just catching sight of that t****r on TV was enough to turn an honest-to-goodness, bought and paid for hangover into a psychotic rage. Still... didn't last long. By the time my oldest niece was about 5, she'd outgrown his humour and was more interested in Thundercats on the BBC instead!"

Oh how we laughed.

==================

Introducing comedy's answer to Daniel O'Donnell, it's...

Roy Walker!!



Apparently softly spoken, genial Irishman Roy had the ideal training to be a 'comic', he was Northern Ireland champion at throwing the hammer and once was a part of the Vienna Boys Choir. Another funny man who succumbed to the game show idiom, one of Roy's best known catchphrases on the show of the same name was
"It's good but it's not right". Well right on one score at least Roy. His other famous saying can also often be heard, "say what you see". Happy to oblige Roy - your act is shite.

Oh how we laughed.

================

David Badiel!!



This man brings up an interesting theory. Some believe that to laugh at a comedian one has to like them too. (First rule of comedy, Spike). This man focuses that belief in me as I can't stand his manner and sarcasm (which if used appropriately can be very funny of course) In his case he actually does seem to be a supercilious t****r. 

Almost as funny as neuralgia.

================












Singer's Night...

Singer's Night...

At the Robin Hood and Little John, Arnold, Notts.

A tale about last Wednesday evening as I know there are one or two pub singing aficionados on here like myself.

Of course Wednesday evening was a special one - Scotland had thumped the Norwegians and the English folks were crying into their beer after ignominious defeat at the hands of Northern Ireland. The ideal time to go out for a drink then...

Taking a walk through the dark streets of the neighbouring suburb I approached 'The Robin' and could hear something that sounded a little like music emanating from the whitewashed building - yes it was 'Vocalist/Keyboard Entertainer', Mickey, on his organ leading a loud refrain of Y Viva Espana! Hurrah!


Before I entered the pub I noticed a rather glum looking grey old flag of St. George, tied up on a balcony of some flats opposite rather forlorn and looking grey and all but fluttered out. Yes - this was going to be a good night I thought grinning inanely with the effects of shadenfraude still beating strongly as I entered the pub!

As I entered I was met by a seventy-five year old 'matador’ dancing up to me joining in enthusiastically with Mickey's promptings. They're fabulous things those electric organs aren't they? Not only can they make birdsong sounds but Mickey can even imitate the clicking of castanets on there. Or perhaps it was El Matador's knees clicking, I'm not sure. The young girl singing was...er of the fuller figure; her heaving breasts appeared to follow one around the room like those scary white balloons from 'The Prisoner' series with Patrick McGoohan. She had a belting voice however - nor did she sweat much for a fat lass indeed. (c. A. Tait)

The call rang out for, Arthur, Arthur, Arthur...and regular guest singer Arthur himself - an octogenarian with an Elvis quiff zoomed out from between someone’s legs and up to the mike in 0.25 seconds. Now the mike and Arthur love each other, but sadly Arthur is crap but has still not realised that fact yet. Finally after three songs and weeks of my life, another singer prised the mike out of Arthur's hand with a crowbar after a rendition of Ken Dodd's epic 'Tears'. Yes I was shedding them Arthur.

From my vantage point at the bar a rather large guy with a Catweazle beard was brushing shoulders with me. From his associates I heard his name was 'Big Malc'. Big Malc had only three teeth. Shortly he recieved the call and was at the mike doing an imperfect Elvis impersonation, complete with flat cap and donkey jacket.
"Tek a maaahhh haaaand"
"Tek a maaaahhh who-ell laaaaf teeeuuww"
"
Cos' aahhh caaa---uuunnnttt heeeyyy-uuullppp"
"A-fallin' in-a-huv-a-with-a-yeeww!"

It was stunning stuff; either that or I was very drunk. Deciding the latter was far more likely I headed off with the music still ringing in my ears, (and five pints of Guinness coursing through my veins).

I was just reaching for my Mp3 player for a little private sing-song on the way home, (Frankie Miller - Caledonia, no less, ye bass!) when I heard a large commotion coming from the flats where the grey England flag was strung up on the balcony opposite the pub. Six officers of the law were carrying a young man by his nostril hair out of the flat where the flag was tied up. He was suitably handcuffed and thrown unceremoniously into the back of the meatwagon not before shouting,

"Leave me alone ya b***ards - I've done nothing wrong - she's upstairs f***ing laughin' at yer"

Seems like the England defeat had been all too much for that particular individual.

They tell me the age of variety is dead but you know I'm not so sure.

Oh what a night!

Stu




THE RALEIGH CHOPPER: LEGEND!

THE RALEIGH CHOPPER: LEGEND!


I was fortunate enough to own an orange Raleigh Chopper, bought only a few days after they began emerging from the production lines at Raleigh. As you may know, Nottingham was the home of Raleigh bicycles but sadly no more.

After the marvellous initial chick-pulling pulling opportunities for a thirteen-year old on a Raleigh Chopper waned along with the ever more common sight of the revolutionary looking machine on the roads, I slowly went back to my original love, my home made racing bike, constructed lovingly from an aluminium frame and complete with three optional back wheels.

The Chopper actually was pretty hopeless really, apart from offering great scope to anybody wanting throw a heavy pose, (obligatory!). The bike had been a long haul up however in the Frew household from the days of the BSA with one pedal that dad proudly brought home for me one day, after paying ‘someone down the pub’ the princely sum of £1. That trusty machine did not prove to be cost-effective however – effortlessly wearing out the left sole of around six pairs of Clarkes shoes where I had haplessly attempted to grapple with the problem of propelling the bike by twisting my left shoe around onto a bare pedal-less crank.


"Have you checked out out my gear knob?"
It was difficult not to be a success with the ladies on a Chopper

On a more serious note the great and glorious past of Raleigh bicycles and it’s association with Notttingham’s heritage of many and varied light industries ended very sadly. There was a time when practically everyone in this city knew someone who worked for Raleigh or one of it’s associated companies, Sturmey Archer, (gears), Carlton, BSA, Triumph, etc.

When I was a kid, the sight of the workforce emerging down Triumph Road at ‘knocking off’ time was quite awesome to my young eyes – like a vast army of workers pouring out into the streets and off home for their teas or an after work pint with the boys. Latterly that torrent of workers became a small trickle – all very sad after a glorious past. Eventually the grand old company’s association with Nottingham withered and died.

These images were captured in the novel, ‘Saturday Night and Sunday Morning by the excellent local author Allan Sillitoe and converted to celluloid with great success. Indeed the film is still very much a cult classic with it’s tale of local, Radford working class hero and general wide-boy, Arthur Seaton, played wonderfully by Albert Finney. The only minor criticism I would offer about the film was that, like many before and after him, Finney, and other cast members failed to capture the true Nottinghamian accent, rather more sounding south Yorkshire than the guttural sounds of the East Midlands Lace City.

That book and film depicted industrial Nottingham of the 1950/60’s more accurately than most examples. I would certainly urge anybody looking for a gritty read to seek out the book, even more so in the case of Sillitoe’s prime other work, ‘The Loneliness of the Long Distance Runner and other short stories’, also turned into an excellent film starring that great actor Tom Courtney. Every single story in that little book is an eye-opener and I would recommend it wholly, probably more than almost anything in my entire book collection.





Scotland my Scotland (Written on the eve of Scotland v Holland. A game that was won against all odds by Scotland)

    Scotland my Scotland 

On the eve of a huge day for our national team my thoughts go towards the fortunes of the men in dark blue and white who will represent us tomorrow afternoon.

These are arduous if enigmatic times for the fortunes of the team who are charged with standing all-square for our nation, this we know, yet still I hold faith in ‘my own’ to do their very best for me and for us all.

Like a few others here, I recall the days when Scotland were frightened by no adversary – yes I still believe there is piece of that in us all, the Scottish spirit can never be extinguished fully, though it may flicker precariously, as in these times.

If I could say something to those lads tomorrow, I would simply say ‘Give your all for Scotland, give everything that you have – we ask no more’. I believe they will too.

I had a friend from New Zealand who like many Kiwi’s was a rugby fan. We got talking about some of the phenomenal players and teams that comparatively small country has produced over the decades and the reason why. To answer my question why this should be so, he simply replied ‘Because we don’t want to let the last guys down’. That simple statement spoke volumes for me, an interested observer; this is what it’s all about for me too.

I peer back into my recollections from the past and remember fondly the likes of Denis Law – my ultimate sporting hero as a boy, Denis of the flashing mane of blond hair, the dazzling speed of thought and foot and the implausible, quicksilver penalty box acrobatics – usually resulting in a billowing goal net and a transfixed defence rocking back on it’s heels.

My father before me would tell tale of the great Alex James, Preston, Arsenal and Scotland’s little genius. The cocky, impossibly baggy shorted maestro with the Brylcreemed centre parting, who would brashly general the Scotland ‘midfield’ as we call it today. A son of the town of Bellshill in Lanarkshire – a breeding ground for other Scotland football immortals, Sir Matt Busby and Hughie Gallagher, Alec’s diminutive forward line partner of the famed Wembley Wizards who put our greatest rivals to the sword on a soggy sward of London turf one day in history.

Well no more do we have a Denis Law and no more an Alex James but we still have a team of men who aspire to doing good things for our country in the field of sport. The renowned dark blue and white still adorns them, just like those heroes and legends from the past and still they’re in my heart, for one.

What I do know about those who will run out at Hampden Park tomorrow afternoon is that they are sons of the same soil as I. Sometimes through parentage – it matters not. For that alone they attract my strong will for them to do themselves and their country proud.

Stand behind them in your thoughts tomorrow, wish them well, they do what they do for all of us.

Scotland Forever.





The Murder in my town

The Murder in my town

It’s not often I’m lost for word as perhaps those who know me might agree, but this week was one such exception. Three days ago, about one mile from my home lies the town of Arnold, Nottinghamshire. Arnold is a suburb of the city with a population of around 40,000.

This week saw the dreadful murder of a lady by the name of Mrs. Marian Bates who worked in her family business, a small jewellers shop in the main shopping precinct of the town. Mrs. Bates was in her mid-sixties and died protecting her daughter in the shop which was under attack by two young men, she selflessly gave her own life to save her daughter’s, being shot dead from close range in the chest.

Arnold is a very ordinary working class community – the type that perhaps many of us are familiar with. One can walk along the main Front Street every day and see a familiar smiling face or two any old time, just ordinary folk going about their lives like we all do. The town is in shock at this monstrous happening, people are genuinely bewildered at the evil that was manifested there last Tuesday daytime.

Last night I watched Mr. David Blunkett on the TV addressing his political colleagues about this monstrosity. This was after a showing of the daughter who survived and her sister. She expressed dismay over the fact that in the shop they never saw their local ‘bobby’ any more, but that in times past they would receive a regular visit from their local community policeman for ‘a cup of tea’.

How familiar does this sound? When will the politicians of various hues begin to listen to the public? Do we really have to take the law into our own hands?

The more I see the way this country is developing, the less I feel like sticking around. It has a hellish, cancerous growth in despicable crime that nobody seems able to rectify.

There are so many questions; I don’t feel adequately able to address them presently so angry am I over this appalling story. For once I am lost for words

RIP Mrs. Marian Bates. May you rest peacefully in heaven and may your loved ones also eventually gain peace.



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©STUARTFREW.COM 2006